Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
I skipped work to stalk him.
Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
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I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
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We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.