I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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