I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
He? As in you personified your dick?
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
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