My liver just broke up with me...
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
I lost the right to judge tonight
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
Randomize
