I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
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We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
Thank you for not boning my boss.
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
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Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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