Does my surprise involve the use of a safe word?
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
23 Strangest Things That Gave Dudes A Boner
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
These 21 People Shouldn’t Be Giving Dating Advice
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays