you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
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She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
I know he is still a student. I am not asking if his being an underwear model makes it more ethical, just less prosocutable.
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
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