If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
I know it's not standard practice to meet the couple you donate to, but i'm curious as to what kind of people saw my picture and said, we want that girl's eggs
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
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