I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
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Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
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