and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.