i wish there were pregnant emoticons
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
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