ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich