I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
Girl passed out in class and vomited. Another victim of syllabus week
These 19 Guys Hit The Cougar Jackpot
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
35 Disappointing People Who Failed At Sexting
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.