I think my fart just growled at me.
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
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I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
i googled waterboarding like you asked. as long as you do it outside. we have carpet. but i wont be a part of it.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
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I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
we need to make pact to not cut each other's hair on coke and whiskey nights.
While I agree, I dont think thats realistically possible
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.