So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
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I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
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I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
Dick very happy bro
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
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