so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
I have commenced my lesbian college experimentation. Wish me luck
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Randomize
