I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
is it bad that the economy has gotten so bad that finding cheap gas gives me the same excitement and joy as finding a hot, blonde haired, blue eyed, tall, athletic single straight guy?
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
Randomize
