yes, too bad my tears were being wiped away by tits in my face
Can we talk about the cons of throwing up in the bathtub. there are no pros.
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
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