I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
we went book shopping, so yes this relationship is going to be about more than sex
Randomize
