I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
