I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
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