dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
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okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
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How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
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