all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
Are you going to regret this?
No I do t think so
Ok then he can enter the holy dorm temple.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
