Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
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These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
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