Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
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He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
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I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
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