Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
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