I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
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