Dude ! Why is there vomit with whole pieces of sushi in the shower when the toilet is not more than 2 feet away ? btw you need to chew your food better,
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
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