i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
I respect your roll as DD and there're am required to respect your vehicle
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.