Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
Just did lines off a tackle box. Love Montana.
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
Randomize
