You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
