if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.