Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
I think you can do her, she seemed pretty set for revenge the second time her boyfrind high fives her in the face.
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker