god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
i have one question about last night
if this is about your fridge being filled with hotdogs, sour cream, and PB&J open-faced sandwiches, i can explain
boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
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I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
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I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"