Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
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