I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
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Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
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I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
I'm really busy with my period
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