You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night