i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
These 21 Drunks Said The Darndest Things
He just found another high guy at wal-mart. There now friends. His friend is eating a cupcake
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
These 25 Irresponsible People Blew All Their Cash On Drugs, Booze, & Sex
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
Hello my rib-scented angel!
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito