He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
Wow just saw this. Nothing like a little anal sex to ring in 2012.
And now she's hand feeding me pork rines and showing me her angry birds high scores. This is Vegas.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
Randomize
