jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
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