just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
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That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
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Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
We always end up having sex in random places after class. I need to stop letting this dude borrow my pens.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
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