I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Randomize
