im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Randomize
