Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
My throat feels like a candle.
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
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I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
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You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?