Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
I don't remember but we shouldn't have a problem. Unless drunk you encouraged drunk me not to wear a condom.
I think we have a problem.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
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