got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
Dude your life.. At your sugar daddies house sending nudes to your fwb
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
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