I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
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