I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
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sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
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He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
He said he would pay my bar tab if he couldn't answer my question. He lost to the age old question of our youth. Why did pogs go out of style.
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
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