Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
Randomize
