Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
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