so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
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