ally, we are sitting by a fire and you are totally hot. no pun intended
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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