turn off your phone and go to bed
My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
ra ra ra ah ah
sexting lady gaga style
23 Men Confess The Moment They Realized They Wanted A Divorce
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
I'm sorry for gagging during our first time having sex
I was drunk
The 23 Most Inappropriate Things To Happen At A Funeral
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???