My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
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