I just know... :) goodntight
Whoops, meant "goodnight", but the other is true too.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
I smell like Dick and happiness
Randomize
