why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
I have two girls sleeping in my bed naked and I ended up making it to class, what were you saying about staying in on the weekdays?
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
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