Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
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I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
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i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
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