I'm gonna have a badass scar
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
Pants are for mortals
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
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